Gratitude #6 – Life

I suppose after having had a massive heart attack and being at risk of death for a minute there, it would have been more politic of me to make being alive the #1 thing for which I am thankful this year. But when I wrote the post for #1, it was Election Day and, you know, voting is super important. Still, allow me to point out that this list is not in order of importance.

I honestly don’t feel like I am grateful enough for the fact that I am alive. I was unaware of how serious my circumstance was as it occurred, so I never felt like I was really in danger. The morphine injections they gave me every 15 minutes or so probably helped my calm demeanor a bit, too. I cried only one time my first night in ICU and that was the result of being really, really thirsty and them refusing me water or ice chips for 12 hours. My poor husband bore the true weight of my medical condition alone; neither my kids nor I really understood my peril until the situation was no longer so perilous.

Instead of feeling like I’ve been given an amazing second chance to cherish life and live every day to the fullest, I’m afraid I have allowed myself to languish in depression, focusing on the things I am unable to do. My life remains quite stressful and I haven’t got the knack of the whole “at least you’re not dead, idiot!” perspective yet.

I have recently made a commitment to living my life more fully, though, and have been taking steps to get out of my slump. I have begun a mindfulness/meditation practice that helps with stress and I have been walking on a treadmill for a few minutes most days. I have no stamina, but I am confident that will grow as I work at it. I’m also trying to pay more attention to the things that I can still do than to the things I can’t. So I can’t sprint up a flight of stairs; Monica Kelly is the only person who really enjoys doing that anyway.

My life is my own and I am grateful that I am still here to take advantage of the opportunity every moment provides me to learn, to share, to grow, to be thankful, to love, and to reinvent myself as many times as necessary to be happy, achieve my goals, and make a positive difference in the world.